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Why I’ve Chosen to be a Divorce Coach

December 1, 2015 by Gregory Lease

“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Never throw out anyone.” – Audrey Hepburn

“Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of that is the beginning of wisdom.” – Theodore Rubin

I was in a conversation the other day, and the question was posed to me, “Why have you chosen to do divorce coaching?” It’s a question about which I have thought a great deal, and want to share with you today my motivation in choosing to dedicate this time in my life to this work of helping others navigate divorce and its aftermath.

I did not come quickly to this decision. I explored many other interests with my coaching, working with executives on leadership issues, with entrepreneurs and artists on developing their businesses and doing some general life coaching. But as I worked to define a group whom I was especially equipped and motivated to serve, I came fairly quickly to consider divorce coaching.

Divorce coaching is an area in the coaching profession that is relatively new as a specialty and not chosen by many coaches. While there are many areas in which coaches specialize, most fall mainly into 3 main categories: executive leadership coaching, business coaching and general life coaching. And while I have experienced coaching in each of these areas, I found myself wanting to serve in an area of critical personal need.

Divorce is known as one of the most stressful experiences that a person can endure, often with long-lasting effects. I am convinced that no one gets married expecting to get divorced. We get married in order to experience connection with our mates in a very special way, and it’s only when we come to the point of despairing of being able to create or maintain that connection that we turn to divorce.

I believe that there are no divorces where there is no trauma experienced by the partners. The fact that we married indicated our intent to connect to each other, and everyone has done that to some extent prior to a divorce. So, despite the claims of some that a divorce was “amicable,” I believe that there is an emotional cost to severing that connection. Most divorces, of course are far worse. And the shame and blame that pop up only exacerbate the situation emotionally.

It seems that we try any number of things to mask the pain caused by the failure of a marriage to satisfy, the disappointment of our expectations of connection being dashed. Anger, sadness, bitterness, painful longing, disappointment and depression are just a few of the emotions we feel in this situation.

As I looked at the situation of those going through divorce and the subsequent effort to build a new, single life, I felt drawn to come alongside those suffering in this situation that needed support and assistance to navigate both the practical situations involved in the dissolution of a marriage and family, but also the deep emotional changes necessary to do so and come through it in a way that was not only characterized by survival, but thriving.

I personally went through a divorce a number of years ago, and am familiar with the territory of divorce, and have a particularly tender heart for those who are hurting and experiencing feelings of estrangement, rejection and abandonment. Through my professional coach training and personal experience over many years, I have become well equipped to relate to and accompany individuals through the landscape of divorce and to make the journey less confusing and exhausting.

But the most important consideration for me is my heart commitment to see those who are hurting discover the vast resources that they have available to them from within. Personal empowerment is a large part of what I do. In some ways it is like opening the eyes of the blind. We each have amazing resources implanted in our lives, but have never been taught how to access them. That’s what coaching is all about, creating lives and lifestyles that are strong and resilient, creative and resourceful, not just for the current situation, but for the future as well. And I can’t imagine who can use that more than those going through one of the most dis-empowering experiences in life.

The Choices We Make Are Our Own Responsibility

January 26, 2016 by Gregory Lease

“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Divorce, like many times of crisis in life, is a time when many choices and decisions must be made. It is precipitated by a major choice to sever a marriage by one or both partners, and then it requires a multitude of decisions before the process is over, the results of which will follow the parties long term.

It is a time of much stress as all the various divisions of assets and responsibilities are determined. Something we know about stress from current research is that a person’s cognitive and decision making abilities are degraded up to 30% when under significant stress. Finding ways to counteract this should then be a priority of the individual to insure the most competent decision making and negotiating. Because the persons being divorced are the decision makers in divorce—the ones with ultimate responsibility for the terms of the final agreement contained in the decree of divorce.

There are major temptations at this point to be far less than one’s best self, an adult accepting adult responsibility for participating as a full, competent player in the divorce process. One is to choose to assume the role of victim, and to blame the other partner for everything that happens. Another is to try and pawn off responsibility on one’s attorney to make the necessary decisions in negotiation. Or both. But the ultimate responsibility for the decisions made lie with the divorcing person, not the attorney. The attorney advises the client on legal matters and represents the client in the legal negotiations and hearings, but should never become the one making the decisions. That responsibility lies solely with the client.

This is where the personal divorce coach can be an invaluable asset to a person going through divorce. As a sounding board and thought partner, the divorce coach can help the client sort through and clarify their desires and requirements to be able to communicate them clearly to their attorney. The coach is also there to help the client separate the emotional story from the practical decision making that must take place for the client to be the most competent participant in the divorce process.

The coach also helps the client look forward to what their needs and desires are for their post divorce life, so that these can be addressed adequately in the negotiations and final agreement. The coach is also there for the client as a non-judgmental moral support for the client. Just having someone to listen actively to what they have to communicate can do wonders for lowering the stress level of the client. A coach never makes decisions for the client, nor advises them on what they should do, but facilitates the client becoming clear on their own priorities, needs and desires so that they can deal competently as their own representative together with their attorney in the negotiations and processing of the divorce.

Are you in the process of a divorce, contemplating divorcing, or know someone who is? Or perhaps just recently divorced? I’d welcome the opportunity to discuss your situation and how a personal divorce coach can assist you in your journey. I offer a completely free consultation to explore where you are and where you want to go, and how I might be able to help you along the way. Request your free consultation today!

Image by Jiri Hodan [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Who Is Writing Your Story?

January 21, 2016 by Gregory Lease

“Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives, the power to retell it, rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it, and change it as times change, truly are powerless, because they cannot think new thoughts.” – Salman Rushdie

So often it seems that we are defined by circumstances, by the outward things that happen around us. But it need not be so. Despite our situation in life, despite all the turmoil we find ourselves in, despite all the things over which we have no control, we still have the power to write our own story.

Many people are not aware of this, and let the circumstances of their lives write their story, by reacting to whatever happens as though they have no choice in the matter. But we always have a choice to make, a choice to write our own story, to interpret that which happens around us. This is why a disaster to one person is an opportunity to another. The first surrenders his freedom to that which happens to him, while the second chooses how to respond internally and externally to what she has encountered.

One is swept away, while the other swims, sometimes with the current or across the current or against the current, but swims nonetheless. Fate is not left to chance, but is orchestrated by choices and decisions made along the way.

This is especially the case when we are confronted by sudden and traumatic change, by that which we have not anticipated nor desired. We can throw up our hands and wail, or we can grasp the choice to write our own story. Is it easy? Many times not. Is it possible? Always. But so many things in life can be done if we will exert ourselves, first on the inside, then outwardly. The choice always starts within. With a determination to be the author of the story.

Are you being the author of your story as it unfolds, or letting circumstances write what they will? If you’d like to explore the possibility of learning to author your own story, I’d love to talk with you about it. I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to explore becoming one who writes your own story.

Choose Life

January 13, 2016 by Gregory Lease

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.” Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

“. . . and they lived happily ever after.” We all wish that our lives would be characterized by these familiar words from so many fairy tales. We all desire happiness and continual peace and harmony in our lives and relationships. But the real world is often so different that what we desire. In the end, it’s far more like the passage above from Louise Erdrich, “Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that. . .” And yet, life goes on, and we must go on with it with the choice to either embrace life with its joys and sorrows, or to wall ourselves off in a frustrated attempt to protect ourselves from pain and suffering.

There is much wisdom in Erdrich’s words. Life is to be lived, with all its trials and emotions. There will surely be pain and risk and loss, but there will just as surely be sweetness if we are present to taste it. For it is the contrasts in life that bring forth the greatest joys, the greatest happiness, the greatest sweetness. Only one who has experienced bitterness and loss can really appreciate love and acceptance and joy.

Embrace your life today. Ask for support if you need to; we are not designed to go it alone. And don’t choose to abandon life for protective walls that only serve to isolate you from all you desire.

Choose life.

Creating Happiness and Love

May 17, 2015 by Gregory Lease

“When we feed and support our own happiness, we are nourishing our ability to love. That’s why to love means to learn the art of nourishing our happiness.” – Thích Nhất Hạnh

This bit of wisdom from Thích Nhất Hạnh seems to be apparent, it resonates with us. Naturally, a happy person is bound to find it easier to be loving than one that is unhappy; anyone can recognize that—it’s common sense.

Of course, he is also saying that it is important that we—each one of us—needs to be responsible to tend our own happiness, not for the sole reason of the enjoyment that happiness brings to us but for the power of that happiness to nourish our ability to love. And love is the high calling for which we have all been created, the power that fires the whole universe. When we are loving, we are in tune with that universal love that animates our beings, and when we resonate with eternity, we are the highest expression of the image of God.

But this making ourselves happy is also an expression of love; it is loving ourselves, caring for our own needs. That which might seem selfish turns out to be essential to nourish our ability to fulfill our purpose. It is all tied up together, happiness and love. And love does not differentiate—it reaches out to touch all who are near us. If we are loving ourselves honestly, we will be loving those around us as well because we will be existing in our highest authentic state, where love governs our being.