My father departed his earthly life early this morning, peacefully in his sleep.

He was ready to go, had settled all his “accounts” in all areas of life, and was just waiting for his time to depart. He had curtailed his medications at the beginning of the week, not wanting to prolong his suffering any longer.

He was 89 years old, and three days ago made his final “to-do list” including what he wanted for his memorial and obituary so that Mom would have it to work with. He was a man who lived by his to-do list every day, finding purpose in his later years by accomplishing things methodically. It was a good day if all the entries were checked off at the end of the day.

He spent all his working years in sales, first in the food industry where he became a sales and distribution executive, and later in real estate where he became a broker and served hundreds of home buyers and sellers over many years. He was known for his integrity and his easy way of helping his clients find the best home for a fair price. He was well known throughout the region in those years and served his colleagues as well as his clients well.

I remember well times of going fishing when I was a young boy, sitting in a row boat in the early morning stillness of a country lake, awaiting the strike of a rainbow trout. Maybe not much talking, but together just the same. He tended to teach more by the way he lived than by verbal instruction. There were times of giving advice as well, perhaps not so well received then by his only son, who thought he knew better, but who learned as the years went on to listen better.

He and my mother recently celebrated their 69th wedding anniversary. Like any couple, they had their ups and downs over the years, but stuck it out through the hard times and were together in the twilight years. I can see my mother lovingly soothing him with a soft touch and soft voice in his last days as he was restless before the pain medications began to work more effectively, and then even when they were.

I’ll miss him in the coming days, and yet am glad his suffering is done. He ran his race well, and will be remembered fondly by many, including me. Fare well, Dad, on your new adventure.

“There’s something inside you that knows when you’re in the center, that knows when you’re on the beam or off the beam. And if you get off the beam to earn money, you’ve lost your life. And if you stay in the center and don’t get any money, you still have your bliss.” – Joseph Campbell

Did you know that there is a path you were born to travel . . . what Joseph Campbell calls “the beam” of your life? You can be “on the beam” or “off the beam.” And where you are in relationship to this path makes all the difference in whether you are experiencing meaning and purpose or emptiness and frustration in your life.

A great percentage of people don’t even know that the beam exists. Common wisdom says you need to work for money so you can pay for a lifestyle that may not bring you any real joy, because that is all there is.

But common wisdom is wrong.

You were born with the kernel of a purpose planted deep in your heart and soul, a kernel that if found and given the opportunity to germinate and grow will bring forth the awareness of that purpose for which you were born. And when you find it, it makes all the difference in the world to how you can choose to live.

It becomes like a beacon drawing you toward your most authentic destiny, pulling you more and more into what you were designed for, what you “fit” in life. And as you more and more consistently aim your life to stay on course with that beacon, you become more and more your true self in the process.

But it’s also easy to get “off the beam,” especially when we get distracted by things that appear to bring joy or satisfaction, usually because of how they are presented to the emotional part of our brain, which is not a very good discriminator of truth. That’s why it is so important to be clear about your purpose, your calling, your personal truth and to be absolutely committed to being authentically who you are.

It is the path of your bliss, which is to be ever moving toward that beacon.

 

“Sometimes we feel empty; we feel a vacuum, a great lack of something. We don’t know the cause; it’s very vague, but that feeling of being empty inside is very strong. We expect and hope for something much better so we’ll feel less alone, less empty. The desire to understand ourselves and to understand life is a deep thirst. There’s also the deep thirst to be loved and to love. We are ready to love and be loved. It’s very natural. But because we feel empty, we try to find an object of our love. Sometimes we haven’t had the time to understand ourselves, yet we’ve already found the object of our love. When we realize that all our hopes and expectations of course can’t be fulfilled by that person, we continue to feel empty. You want to find something, but you don’t know what to search for. In everyone there’s a continuous desire and expectation; deep inside, you still expect something better to happen. That is why you check your email many times a day!” – Thich Nhat Hanh

The feeling of emptiness inside is one that is often triggered by events like the lack of purpose around an empty nest, a divorce, a ruptured relationship of some kind, loss of job or even what is known as the “mid-life crisis.”  Then, sometimes, this feeling comes up without a clear cause. It can be a nagging, persistent presence calling for relief, a gaping emotional hole in your consciousness wanting to be filled.

And try to fill it is often what happens next, often with less than satisfying results, as Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us in the quote at the beginning of this post. You try to get something from outside yourself to fill the void, especially if it comes in the wake of the loss of a relationship in your life, whether absolute in death or divorce or loss of a job, or in kind, as in the empty nest where the relationship is forever changed by the “flight” of offspring into a more independent life.

But your effort to fill the void with outside things, whether emotion dulling alcohol or drugs, or with relationships when you are seeking to get your emptiness filled, leave the emptiness intact after a short relief.  What is the answer to this empty feeling, this emotional void, this longing for connection and love?

As unlikely as it seems, that which has the potential to fill the emptiness is already within you, although you perhaps are not aware of it. It is called self-love, and it can fill the void so effectively when applied fully that you can be overflowing with love and fulfillment and joy. It is a hidden treasure waiting to be revealed, but not quickly or easily realized, as it is buried under an overabundance of contradictory and limiting beliefs for most people. Finding it and experiencing it fully can require a challenging journey and is often best taken with a trusted guide. But it is worth the trip.

More on this soon. . . .

Do you sometimes wonder who you really are deep down inside? Do you get inklings of a life inside you that longs for expression in the world? Do you often feel that you have a contribution to make to the world, but are afraid that no one else is interested in your opinion? Do you feel like you have been conformed to the life roles that you have?

All of us learn early in life to play the parts we are expected to play, to learn the roles that are given to us by our parents, teachers and other important adults in our childhood lives. We become more or less adept at being able to conform ourselves to the behaviors that are expected of us in order to gain rewards and avoid punishments. And we begin to identify ourselves with the roles we play.

Most of us learned to act according to gender specific expectations in order to gain approval from our parents, especially, but also from teachers and others. Many of us became masters of the art of disguise. And mostly we did it unconsciously, picking up the clues along the way by observation and inference as we subjugated our impulses to the expected roles.

As we entered our adolescent years, we learned from peers what was “in” or “cool” in our desired peer group, and worked consciously to be like the others from whom we wanted acceptance. For many, this pattern followed them through high school and into college years where they sought out membership in various groups where they could “fit in” or conform to a common standard as a member of the group.

Throughout these years of growing up to adulthood, all of us received input from parents and others about what it meant to be an adult, opinions about how to find our place in the world. Most of these had to do with choosing a career that would be profitable to us and support us in our adult lives. Most of them told us that successful persons had good jobs, so we graduated from university and entered the world of work.

Some of us got married, and found whole new roles awaiting us, especially if we were religiously affiliated. Especially in conservative religious groups, gender specific roles tend to be an expectation for those who are married. And those roles and the expectations that come with them rarely take into account personal uniqueness.

Add children to the equation with the expectations of the parenting roles of mothers and fathers and we, usually gladly, accepted a new role with no idea initially of the demands that children would make.